Erin: [00:00:00] Welcome to Hotter Than Ever, where we uncover the unconscious rules we've been following, we break those rules, and we find a new path to being freer, happier, sexier, and more self expressed. I'm your host, Erin Keating. I want to do something a little different for today's episode, and I want to share a list with you of 15 things that I think make a relationship hot.
These might apply to sex, they might not apply to sex. Largely, to me, they are what make a dynamic with another person, especially in a romantic context, feel good and exciting and positive and vital. You may be looking for a new relationship, or [00:01:00] you may be looking To hone in on the things that are working best and build on the things that are working best in your current relationship.
We all want a successful relationship, but we don't stop to think about the constituent parts that piece together to make something really hot, really successful, really compelling. Chemistry is a very important part of the puzzle from my perspective, but there are so many things that make people attractive.
And as a 51 year old woman who is just out of a long marriage, the mother of twin tweens, trying to navigate new relationships out in the romantic world. These are the things that I've realized I'm super compelled by. And I want to know, are they yours? What am I missing from this list? Because this is what makes A relationship hot to me.
Number one, both people are self reliant. They want each other. [00:02:00] They don't need each other. They've got their shit figured out. They've got their lives in order. They've got their emotional coping mechanisms. They've got therapists. They've got resources. They've got techniques and tools for how to rely on themselves.
This isn't about being needy or using someone else to be an emotional stopgap for you or a logistical stopgap for you. Self reliance, super hot. Number two, confidence. Feeling good about yourself and not being shy about what your strengths are. Tell me what you're good at. Tell me about the things that you've done that you feel proud of that are accomplishments.
Let me hear your confidence. Shine out. It's okay to feel vulnerable and insecure and weak in certain areas. But for me, someone who leads in life with their confidence, Oh [00:03:00] my God, you put two of those people together. That is such a hot relationship. If you both feel good about yourselves. Imagine how you can feel exponentially better about yourselves when you are together.
Another thing that I think makes a relationship hot is affection. Affection to me is simple gestures of touch that let me know how you feel about me without having to say anything. Oh my god, touch and affection kill me. I swoon for that. I melt for that. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just that gesture of tenderness.
Ooh, that makes a relationship hot. A reciprocal touch. So, so lovely. Number four on the list. Honesty. Don't bullshit me. When I feel I'm being bullshitted, when I feel someone's trying to play a game with me or get something over on me, I don't [00:04:00] trust them. Honesty builds trust, vulnerability, honesty, clarity.
Tell me how you're really doing. Tell me how you're really feeling. Tell me what's really going on. Don't put up a brave face if you're not feeling brave. Honesty creates a hot relationship. Honesty creates a real, genuine bond. Number five. This is in no particular order, by the way. Reliability. If you do what you say you're going to do, when you say you're going to do it, oh my God, that is a kind of integrity that is missing from the world that if you show up in a relationship and bring your reliability with you.
You text when you say you're going to text. You call when you say you're going to call. You follow up on the things you said you were going to follow up on. Reliability is hot. Reliability is attractive. It is not boring. [00:05:00] It is a reminder that you can act with integrity in the world, that you can have an intention and set out to do it and do it.
That is so hot. Respect. Respect. How do you act?
When you disagree, how do you deal with issues where you sit on opposite sides of the fence? What do you bring to a conversation where there is disagreement? Do you bring contempt? Do you bring patronization? Are you sarcastic and insulting? Or do you constantly strive to come to the dynamic with respect?
Oof. This is such a big one. Number seven, listening. Do you listen to what I say? Do I listen to what you say? Do we remember the details of each other's lives that we've shared with each other? This is so hot. To be listened to, [00:06:00] to remember the things you're told, to ask questions. I think that's really what everybody wants.
To be listened to, to be heard. To have someone strive to get where you're coming from, even if they don't necessarily understand it, to hear you out, to not shut you down. Number eight, I think asking for what you want and saying what feels good is so hot in a relationship. So if what you want is for me to compliment your appearance, I'm really, you is really me in this situation.
I need to be complimented. I need to be admired. Tell me what you like. If you like my earrings, tell me you like my earrings. Tell me my hair looks pretty and I'm going to tell you, you look handsome today and I'm going to tell you when you touch me like this, it feels so good. Eye contact, eye contact in a relationship is so, so hot.
But [00:07:00] just staying connected to the other person. With your eyes, in a conversation, in a kiss. Wow. That is so deep and so meaningful. To feel seen, to feel that your partner is not shying away from what it is that they're offering you. Eye contact is so... hot. It's such a sign of connection. It's such a sign of not wanting to look away from these moments of tenderness and vulnerability.
Or even when you're out somewhere in public and you're doing parallel things and you make eye contact with each other, just that fleeting moment of connection can be so deep and meaningful and hot. I'm here with you. I'm here for you. We're here together. Self awareness. Oh, tell me about your past and what you learned from it.
Tell me about the things [00:08:00] you've been through and how they've changed you and how you've changed yourself as a result of the awareness you've gotten from the experiences you've been through. I like hearing stories about your past. And how you apply what you learn from those stories to your present and how you want to apply them to your future.
That is so hot to me. Taking time alone, telling the person you're in a relationship with that you want to have some time to yourself, to reflect or to do whatever it is that you need to regulate yourself, to manage your life, to feel okay. Time alone. Being okay with giving your partner the space that they want, that they need in order to be successful in their relationship with you and successful in their lives, that's really hot to me.
I'm not offended by that. I think that shows you know yourself and you know what you need. When I'm in a [00:09:00] relationship, I'm so distracted by the other person. I'm so intoxicated by the other person. I need to claim some time alone so that I can regulate myself. And so that I can be back in relationship with myself and not just in constant response mode, which is where I go when I'm with somebody else.
Boundaries. Saying what you will do and what you won't do, what you want and what you don't want, who you are and who you aren't. I think boundaries are so hot. That means I'm not just going to run roughshod over you. I'm not going to be so demanding and you're going to be a pushover and then you're going to resent me.
Boundaries means you've figured out a way to live with fewer resentments because you're clear about your needs upfront. I think that's so hot. Number 13, positivity and optimism. Expecting positive outcomes for [00:10:00] yourself and for the person that you are in a relationship with is so hot. It's connected to enthusiasm, to encouragement.
I want to be with someone who is positive and optimistic. And expects that when I go and try something, I'm going to have great success. And when they chase whatever it is they're chasing in their lives, I believe that's going to work out for them. It shows faith in the other person. It shows faith in things in the universe working out in our favor.
It's such a beautiful quality. Number 14, vulnerability, letting yourself show feelings and receiving it when the other person shows feelings. Wow. This one is really fucking hard for me. And it's something that I'm learning day in and day out in this new life that I'm creating for myself. Am I willing to be vulnerable?
Am I willing to say I'm feeling these feelings? Am I willing to show up with all my messy [00:11:00] self? And are you willing to receive me in that space? and comfort me, and provide grounding for me in that space. It's such a big deal, and it's so hot when someone is willing to be vulnerable with you. You just want to sweep them up in your arms, and care for them, because they've taken this emotional risk.
The last thing on the list is laughter. To my mind, Laughter makes a relationship hot when you are cracking each other up, when you are giggling over private jokes, when you are having so much fun that the rest of the people around you are like, What? What's going on with those two? That is so hot to me.
And laughter bonds you together in such a beautiful way when you think similar things are funny or when you think the other person is funny. It's so great. And it feels so good to laugh together. So I hope you enjoyed this mini episode. [00:12:00] I would love to hear your criteria, your list of things that you have realized make a relationship hot for you.
What are the things you crave in a relationship? What are the things you're desperate for? What are the things you're missing? Tell me. Thanks for listening to Hotter Than Ever. We need your support. Please follow the show on whatever platform you're listening to right now. Tell your friends. And rate and review us on Apple podcasts.
That means go to Apple podcasts online, write a review, give us five stars, tell the world what you think of what you've been listening to here on Hotter Than Ever. It means so much to future listeners to hear what you think about what you.
Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Girard and PodKit Productions. Our associate producer is Lena Reibstein. Music [00:13:00] is by Chris Keating, with vocals by Issa Fernandes.
Come back next week for more scintillating insights and conversation, and tips and tricks for being as hot as you've ever been your whole fucking life.