Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever Advice. I'm your host, Erin Keating, and in these short weekly episodes, I give you my opinionated and not at all officially qualified feedback about the questions, problems, quandaries and dilemmas that you have posed to me about love, sex, relationships, ambition, divorce, and anything else that's on your mind. Today's advice question is from Julie and this one hit me where I live:
"Hi, Erin. Holy shit, I think you might be saving my soul."
Okay, thanks, Julie. I don't know if I want that responsibility, but I'll take it.
"You introduced me to Pure and I think I have lost my ever loving mind in a very good way. Did this happen to you? I'm shit at work at the moment and I keep telling myself to get it together, but there are so many opportunities. When you first started your sex journey after a long deprivation--"
10 years, I will remind everyone.
"--did you feel like your attention was off balance? How long does this last? Thank you for sharing your story, it feels wonderful to be alive. Your work matters and I am so, so grateful, Julie."
Well, first of all, Julie, thank you for saying that. That that is my reason for being. My reason for making the Hotter Than Ever podcast is so that I can help to liberate us in whatever way I can through these conversations that are honest and open and potentially touch on things that mature and proper and upright ladies that we are out in the world that we don't usually give ourselves permission to talk about even inside our own minds. So to your question, what is Pure? Pure is a sexting app. You can basically put a profile on it that says, hi, I'm looking for, you know, hot guys who are 6ft tall who, you know, like an older lady and want to talk dirty. Like, you can pretty much put anything on my profile. I don't even have a picture.
It's super anonymous. And you can set your parameters of your location. If you're just there for sexting, you can be talking to people all around the world. And people will respond to your profile. You can look at their response and decide whether you want to engage with them or not. There are ways for guys to---and I'm going to frame this in a very heteronormative way because that is my experience. But please don't take that as any kind of assertion that I think heterosexual behavior is the only thing that is out there or that, you know, there are only straight people in the world and there are only straight people listening to this show.
My hope is that everyone is listening to this show and that you can extrapolate for yourself if you're in a same sex relationship, if you are a bisexual, however you identify, please don't feel excluded. When I talk about men and women, that's not my intention. So on this app, guys can buy gifts, which is basically like a quicker way to get to you. It shows more intent.
They can also buy access to starting a chat without being--without you sort of checking the box that says you want to communicate so you don't have to respond to that chat. I usually just delete them because I don't like what they say. But occasionally someone will send a gift, they'll show an intent. It'll be really sexy or flirty or cute or it'll check some box for me in my turn ons and you can engage in these conversations. Some people want to sext, they want to send notes back and forth. Some people want to show you their dicks.
A lot of people want to show you their dicks. They're so proud of their dicks. I don't take offense at any of that. This is the context that we're in on this app. They want to look at pictures of you. You can decide to send pictures that disappear right away. It took me a long time to decide whether or not I wanted to do that. And occasionally I do and occasionally I don't. And occasionally if there's too much pressure for send me this, send me that, send me this, send me that, that I just bail on the conversation. I just am like, yeah, this guy wants what he wants. He's not listening to me. So bye. But sometimes my favorite is to get into an exchange of sexy audios.
So the app has the ability to record a little note. You can say something, then they can say something back and you can text something and then they can say something back. And you know when it gets really hot, it gets into a rhythm and it's really, really fun. If you are a dirty girl and you want a secret place to have conversations that are anonymous with zero stakes, with a very easy ability to erase the conversations. You've had to have your pictures disappear to disconnect from people if you don't like them, it really gives you a lot of agency around how you communicate with people.
Now when I was in Italy, I met a guy who I had met on Pure and we had a lovely time together. He was a really cool human being and like that was a fun way. It's International, it was a fun way to meet someone sexy in another country. But, you know, for the most part, for me, I'm not meeting people on this app. And I don't know if you are either, Julie, but it sounds to me like you are having a lot of fun and getting a lot of positive attention. Is your attention off balance if you are coming to this kind of flirty sexuality after being shut down or divorced from that part of yourself for a long time? Oh, my God. Yes, it's extremely distracting. It can be. And it's hard to keep it in check. And maybe you don't have to keep it in check at a certain point. And, you know, I love that you said, I'm shit at work at the moment.
And I keep telling myself to get it together, but there are so many opportunities. Yeah, you are going to be distracted, especially if you are thirsting for this kind of sexual conversation, this kind of reconnection with yourself, this kind of connection with other people. And how long does it last? It lasts as long as you need it to. It lasts as long as it's serving a purpose in your life. For me, there was a time when I went off Pure because I was like, okay, Stella got her groove back, and now I'm ready to actually, like, see some people in real life. And I didn't feel like that was a place where I was gonna meet people that I would genuinely like. And that's not true because I have met people from there, but I, in general, it didn't feel like the right pool for me at the time.
You know, I went through a breakup a couple of months ago. It's been about two months since I got dumped by the Marine, and my heart is still hurting, and I'm still feeling sad, and I still miss the love part. But the first thing I did was reactivate all the apps because I didn't want him to, or the legacy of our relationship to be that he held all the keys to my pleasure and my sexuality and my agency around that stuff. And so I got back on. I literally was like, I'm gonna do every single one. I got back on Pure, I got back on Field, which is still gonna be my favorite. I got back on Hinge, Bumble, Stir. I found a couple new ones in the name of research for you, dear listeners. One called Plura, which is used to be called Bloom, which is a polyamorous and kink community, which I found really interesting.
One called Fleur, which is kind of like a Tinder version of Pure. Like it's not as good as Pure. And then one, I applied for this thing called the League that is very, it's a dating site for Ivy Leaguers and their qualifying questions are like, do you want someone with a master's degree or a PhD for me I was like, I don't know, whatever. And they're like, well, if you pay us, you can be on here right now, but if you don't pay us, then you're going to have to wait for us to accept you.
And I was like, ugh, these people anyway, that haven't been accepted yet. Ladies haven't been accepted yet, but you'll be the first to know. So right now I spent a month on all the apps. Now I'm down to Pure, Field, Hinge and Plura. Hinge is just not working for me, no one ever likes me on Hinge. Julie, I don't know if you're only on Pure, whether you're only sexting or whether you're trying out all these other apps as well, but I flirt on Pure sometimes. I definitely dating on Field and Plura.
I'm really investigating and having conversations with people who identify themselves a little bit more offbeat, a little kinkier, a little bit more out there. And I'm having conversations there and asking for education and learning about that world. I don't know how I identify. Julie, I don't know if you're feeling like you need to identify as, you know, solo polyamorous or whatever the, you know, the lingo is that might apply to you. But is this distracting? It's extremely distracting. And what I wanted for me was some distraction from my heartbreak. It is very good for that. I have felt at times that this level of flirting and engagement and participation on these apps feels like a part time job.
I'm also not a halfway kind of gal and I do things full on when I do them. But I also feel like as a person who questioned whether or not she was attractive to men, noticed by men too fat to be lovable, all the bullshit stories I've told myself my whole life, this has been a deeply validating experience. And it seems like it might be for you. Julie. Somehow it has been really healing for me to put my desires and my sexuality out there into the world in a safe way way and to hear from real men that they like what they see and what they read, if they read, sometimes you can tell they don't. But you know, I think that we live in a bit of a false binary around what our wants and desires are compared to what men's wants and desires are. I think we tell ourselves stories about men just want this, men are like that, men are want this, men only want casual sex, or men only judge you on your body, on whatever. And that has not really been my experience.
My experience because I lead with honesty, because I don't bullshit anybody, because I say what's so, because I ask questions if I'm inclined to, if I like someone enough or I'm intrigued enough and I ask questions about what their deal is. I hear a lot of like, I was in a long, unhappy marriage or I'm just coming off a breakup, or I've never explored my sexuality, or, you know, I thought this I was one way and now I know that I'm another way. Or I'm finding that this is what turns me on. And I never really thought about it. Like, I think, I think a lot of men. And I want to caveat the shit out of this because this is my experience and my experience only. And Julie, I'm so curious if it's been yours or whether you stayed in the realm of, of sexy talk, which is a great realm and a fun place to be. No rules in a knife fight, right? Everyone fights the way they know how. God, that's probably a violent, too violent an image.
There are no rules here. There's no way to do it. And so, you know, if you are a person who is inclined to do this kind of sexy searching and online flirting, you will find your own way of communicating. You will find your own boundaries and parameters and you will find your own turn ons and turn offs. So for me, you know, I definitely have a routine of checking the apps and I sometimes it does feel tweaky and compulsive and I can be compulsive. And I imagine, Julie, that like you're always looking to see if you have notifications and if that one guy wrote you back and you know, all of this stuff. I think sometimes I engage in these conversations as much for the dopamine hit of attention as for the outcome that I'm looking for or any outcome.
But then I can tell myself, okay, stop, disengage. Get back to your tasks. Get back to the things that are not sexy in your life. Go do those things and then look back at the apps and check back in as a treat or as something that you do before you're falling asleep at night. You know, you can set parameters around your engagement with these apps, but for me, yeah, I definitely have felt in the beginning and now in my post breakup, trying to, you know, reclaim myself from this past relationship. Like, my attention is a little bit off balance.
I'm a little bit in the boy crazy zone again. So as far as how long it lasts, I don't know. I don't know. And I don't know how long it'll last for you. But I will say if you feel wonderful to be alive as a result of connecting with this part of yourself and this part of the guys that you are talking to, fucking enjoy yourself. You could spend all your time communicating with people online. And, you know, sometimes that's what it takes if you're actually going to decide if you want to meet someone in real life. But who is it really hurting? Like, are you really fucking up at your job or do you just feel like you're slightly distracted? Are you having fun? Doesn't it feel powerful to say, yes, you, no, you, maybe you.
For me, after a lifetime of not knowing that I had any choices at all, it's been really meaningful and it's been really hot. And that flirting and that positive attention feels so good. You can also pay to boost or uplift your profile on these apps if you're not getting as many responses as you want. You can also A/B test different photos and different copy to see what gets the most response or different types of responses. So, I mean, you can really turn this into a sexual science experiment where, you know, the prize is your pleasure at the end of the day, and that can be really fun. It can also feel like sometimes it's alienating, right? Sometimes it's like, oh, I just wish I had one or five guys in my life who, you know, knew me and wanted to spend time with me and who I enjoyed for different reasons.
If there's more than one, and I want to settle into a routine, you know, pay attention to your intuition, pay attention to your needs as they evolve because they will evolve. And they do evolve because we change all the time. We are cyclical creatures. Our hormones rise and fall and rise and fall in our lives every month until it stops happening. And that's okay. That's okay to change your mind as your mood changes, change your engagement as your interest changes. But if it's making you feel happy to be alive, Julie, I am so happy for you.
Now, look, caveat here. For those listening who are looking for love online, that's not what Julie and I are talking about. We're talking about sex. We're talking about flirting and sexting and maybe meeting up for sex in real life, you may not want to go that far. You may not want to have casual sex, you may not. That may not be part of your worldview or your perspective. However, it's on the table and it's out there and it doesn't have to be what it was in high school or college. It can actually be a genuine connection where you're both there to feel good and then maybe come back and do it again.
You know, this isn't about--people will say on their ads, especially on Field, no one night stands. No one night stands. I only like--men will say--only enjoy having a sexual connection with someone after I've built an emotional connection or gotten to know someone more. I need to connect in order to feel good enough and safe enough to have sex. A lot of men feel the way we feel about that. A lot of men feel the power and the benefit of a deeper connection. Even for a casual relationship, even for a FWB, a friends with benefits kind of relationship.
I've seen a lot of profiles that say focus on the F part and I'm not kidding, like I really want to be friends. And the benefits are benefits. So as with all things, I encourage you to deeply, deeply tap into your intuition. Deeply ask yourself, do I actually really like this conversation? Am I into this or am I doing it just because my society has trained me to please, you know? Or am I feeling a twinge of like, I'm not into this? As with all the app related communication, you can bail. You can bail and you can ghost and you can decide, you know, I'm not going to do this anymore. No thanks. Something you said really weird. I didn't like that. I'm not going to meet you. I said I was going to. I'm not going to now. Bye. That's really important. It's really important. It's important to stay as anonymous as you can. Don't give out your real phone number.
Please do not give out your real phone number. When you Google your real phone number, it gives your address, it gives everything about you. I recommend moving to Telegram, which is an app where you can be anonymous in your communication. It just is better for communication than a lot of these dating apps. You can turn off your phone number ID, you can just have a first name on there, you can use a pseudonym. But I recommend you keep yourself as safe as you can and to pay deep and close attention to your intuition and to your turn on. And if you are feeling turned on, fucking go for it. If you are liking how the flow is going. Go for it. And go for it. Meaning continue the conversation in whatever way feels good to you, stay engaged in whatever way feels good to you and talk about it with the person that you're flirting with. This feels good, this doesn't feel good, I like this, I don't like this so much. What do you think? What do you like? Because that way, even your sexting can get hotter.
Oh, Julie, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy you're having so much fun and you're connecting with your pleasure. It really changes our lives when we give ourselves permission to have all the pleasure we deserve.
Thanks for listening to hotter than ever advice. How can you ask a question? I am so glad you asked. DM us @hottertheneverpod on Instagram or leave me a voicemail or text the Hotter Than Ever Hottie Hotline at 323-844-2303.
Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Gerard and Podkit Productions. Our associate producers Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating with vocals by Issa Fernandez. This has been Hotter Than Ever Advice.
I hope you heard something here that changes you for the better. It gives you something to think about that will stick with you today. And maybe you're going to download some dirty apps. Tell me about it. When you do, I want to know.
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