Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever Advice. I'm your host, Erin Keating, and in these short episodes, I give you my opinionated and not at all officially qualified feedback about the questions, problems, quandaries, and dilemmas that you have posed to me about love, sex, relationships, dating, career, aging, ambition, divorce, and anything else that is on your mind.
Today we have a question from Angela:
"Hi, Erin. Love your podcast. Since my marriage ended a year ago, I've been on my own. Your podcast inspired me to try dating apps, which has been a great journey of self discovery. I've made some mistakes along the way, but I'm learning from them and moving forward. At first, I was too picky and only matched with a few men. Then I did the opposite, and although I remained selective, I dedicated much more time to swiping through the various apps until I had quite the Rolodex of matches. Currently, I'm messaging and meeting multiple men, which has been wonderful. However, I'm starting to feel a bit anxious and spread thin. I want to be honest with them, but I'm afraid of losing the good ones while seeing others. My schedule only allows me to go on dates once or twice a week if I'm lucky. How do you navigate dating multiple men at the same time?"
Angela, I love that you're having the experience that there are a lot of interesting folks to connect with on the apps. Let that be a lesson to those who think that the apps do not work, or that everyone on the apps is lame, or that everyone is holding a giant fish, or that everyone is taking a bathroom mirror selfie and that they think you can't see that there's crap everywhere.
It is amazing some of the imagery that we find men posting in these dating apps, but you, Angela, are finding some of the good ones, and I love that. But you say you're anxious and you're spread thin. Yeah, it's really intense when you get into it, right? When you're on multiple apps and you're checking them all the time and you're swiping and selecting and whatever, take a deep breath and take a look at your behavior. Are you being compulsive and chasing that dopamine hit of likes and matches like you're one of Pavlov's dogs? If you are, welcome to the club. Because dating apps are a brain chemistry slot machine. They give you that feeling of, oh, I could have love, oh, I could have sex. Oh, look at that person. They're attractive.
The dating app mechanism lights up different parts of your brain, and then you get stimulated and then you get that hit and then you want more. This is how it works. It's no different than any other form of social media, which turns us all into junkies. Okay? So if you're feeling that way, it's not your fault, it's by design. However, you can take control of it and say to yourself, I'm only going to check the apps x number of times a day. I'm only going to check the apps for an hour a day. I'm only going to dedicate x number of minutes a day to correspond with these strangers.
Is that hard? Yes. Am I good at that? No. But what I have found is in the world of meeting men online, it's feast or famine. You've either got too many riches and too many cuties, or you don't have anyone who seems appealing in the mix. One thing that you do not have to worry about is losing the good ones while seeing other guys. Someone said to me recently, and this is so woo woo. Someone said to me that nothing that is meant for you can miss you. So you think, oh, if I say such and such to this guy, then he's going to run away and I'm going to lose him. But if he was meant for you, and if he's a guy who's going to be in your life, he's already interested, he's already attracted, he's already curious, and he is going to stick around until he meets you or gets to spend time with you, or it gets his feelings validated about his instincts about you.
So I wouldn't worry about losing the quote, unquote, the good ones because the people who are meant for you are going to stick around. They're going to be curious about you, and they're going to want to know more about you, and they're going to compliment you and they're going to tell you. Like somebody said to me recently, oh my God, I love a woman with an amazing voice and a great sense of humor, and I love tall women and legs are my weakness. And I was like, well, you, my friend, are fucked because I am all of those things. And that was wonderful to hear. Oh my God. I check all the boxes for somebody, how wonderful. Or I check these very specific boxes that have not been checked in his life in however long or ever.
I love being the perfect combination of things for someone. I love being someone that someone is infinitely compelled by and wants to engage with. And when you are that for someone, you really can't scare them away. You know, the ones you can scare away. Okay, well, easy come, easy go, you know? So here's how I juggle. First, I don't ever rush into meeting people or force anything. I think I did that in the beginning and I made some mistakes and I met some dudes I didn't particularly like. And now I feel like if it's gonna happen, if we're gonna meet up, if it's a real connection, then let's talk for a while, let's text for a while, let's talk on the phone.
Let's do this sort of ladder of communication that becomes more and more intimate and more and more three dimensional and human until we actually meet in real life. I know I want to go out at least twice a week. Some weeks I like to go out three times if I can. I have certain nights that feel like they work better than other nights, given my childcare situation. So I usually try to work around what my logistics are, and I prioritize the person I'm most excited about and get that locked in. And then if there are other open times, I fill in those times with a prioritized list of dudes. Right. So if they're people that I've seen before, then I kind of know who they are and what those dates are like.
And I round out the week with the right mix of hangs and. And types of dates and dynamics and conversations and relationships and sex. They are all aware that I'm seeing several people. Some want to ask about it and know more about it. Others do not. There's usually three or four people at any given time who I'm engaging with. And, you know, people fall in and out of rotation. This is a very casual thing that I'm doing, and people have stuff going on in their lives, and people have travel schedules and work schedules, you know, and sometimes a relationship starts to grow and you want to dedicate more time to that one person, and that's okay, too.
You really have to trust that it's going to ebb and flow, that people are going to come into your life and stay for the amount of time that's right. And then leave, you know, or they become someone who, you know, for a long time. I mean, there's certainly at least one person who I have been seeing since the very earliest days of my separation two years ago. And we have a very particular relationship, and it's very hot, and I'm really grateful to have him in my life. It's never going to be something different than what it is. And I'm so happy for the connection we have. Maybe that's going to be the situation for you and maybe it's going to be different for you, but you don't have to hold so tightly to it and you don't have to worry that you're going to fuck something up. And I would just say like, the more honest you are, the more clear and direct you are, the better off you'll be.
Because then everyone knows where you stand. And if they don't like it, they can go do something else. They can date a different way or date a different person, you know, and if they like you, then they'll stick around and if you like them, you will make it a priority to spend time with them. I just think, don't get too overloaded, right? It's great to be flirting, but if you're really not looking for a serious relationship, then you don't have to handle the whole thing with such intensity. You can just enjoy what is coming up for you at the moment, or you can enjoy having found or seeking a particular thing type of person, experience, dynamic. It's up to you. And if it's making you anxious, you can always stop for a week. You can always stop and take a breath.
This is your life and this is your agency and this is you doing things however you want to do them and however pleases you. And that doesn't mean you can't be a fully three dimensional person with people who you're dating casually. It just means that you get to be honest and clear and direct, which is probably something you haven't been in the past because most of us haven't. Most of us dissemble in some way or another to get approval and to feel worthy. And you don't have to play that game anymore. I'm happy for you, Angela, at this stage in your life. Oh deep breaths. Gratitude. Prioritization. Go where the heat and the energy and the fun is. Go where your schedule allows. Be honest and take it from there.
Thanks for listening to Hotter Than Ever advice. How can you ask a question? I'm so glad you asked. Dm us @hotterthaneverpod on Instagram or leave me a voicemail or text. The Hotter Than Ever Hottie Hotline at 323-844-2303 I would love to answer your question in a future episode.
Hotter than ever is produced by Erica Girard and Podkit Productions. Our associate producer is Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating with vocals by Issa Fernandez.
Comments