Advice: How Do I Make Time for a Sexual Awakening As A Single Mom?

Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever Advice. I'm your host, Erin Keating and in these short weekly episodes, I give you my opinionated and not at all officially qualified feedback about the questions, problems, quandaries and dilemmas that you have posed to me about love, sex, relationships, career, aging, ambition, divorce, and anything else that's on your mind. Today's question is from Julie, she writes:

"Hi, Erin. Love, love your content."

Thank you.

"I'm recently out of captivity and ready to live my best life. How did you balance your sexual becoming with being available to your kids? Were you playing during the day? I'm excited to hear what your experience was. Thank you."

Oh, Julie, first of all, congratulations on being out of captivity. Congratulations on the revelation that your best life can be right now and I love the phrase you use sexual becoming because I really, really connect with that. And I think a lot of us at this stage in our lives could use a little becoming. I mean, a little coming, but also a little becoming. And how do we balance the complexity of our lives, the lives that we have painstakingly and intentionally built, Right, with career and children. A lot of us have children. My children are a little bit older, mine are 13. Now, I don't know how old your kids are, but I do know that kids are just a wildly time intensive endeavor and we want to be there for them. We need to be there for them. We want to be good moms and we are good moms.

And you can be a good mom who is available to your kids, who is also experiencing a sexual becoming, a sexual revitalization awakening, a person who is getting in touch with her pleasure and herself. And here's kind of how I do it and I don't know whether this will work for other people because I don't know what your child care situation is and how old your kids are. And if you're breastfeeding, I think it's gonna be a little more complicated. You know, we are all very time constrained in this modern life we live. And for me, I treat my dating sexual romantic life as a part time job. And I prioritize it because for so long I ignored myself and I ignored my needs and I ignored my body and I acted like I was just a person who didn't need or want any of that stuff. I didn't have time for that.

That was in the past. And then when it came roaring back after I got separated, I really started to give it more space in my life. And I will say that I am always planning and I am always scheming and I definitely prefer to have dates twice a week. So for me that's like what works for me. And so I have babysitters. Sometimes I lean on my ex, but that is only during the time that is prescribed for him to be with the kids every other weekend full time. He really does not have much of a custody obligation and we have kind of a tricky setup because my kids don't go to his place because they don't want to. And they're 13.

You can't make 13 year olds do anything chores maybe if you can incentivize them with money. Anyway, this child care custody stuff sits right alongside my part time job of prioritizing my pleasure, my sexuality, my dating life, so I have a roster of babysitters. They are ranked in order of my kids preference. So I go down the list and I try for the ones they like best and sometimes they end up with the ones they don't like best and they know that I tried but they will have a babysitter a couple times a week and then I also have every other week weekend free. I sometimes I play during the day, sometimes I'll go meet up with someone during the day for a date or a hang. But I need that time, right? Most of the time that doesn't really work for me. I am working, I am building a business here with hotter than ever.

And I am already con constrained by having so much custody obligation for my kids and because I want to be with them and I want to hang out with them because I know I only have another year or two before they shun me as they should developmentally. But right now they still like me and they like hanging out with me and so I don't want to over prioritize my dating romantic sexual life. But I also don't want to act like it's not meaningful to me because it really is and so the dance that I do is I try to schedule dates twice a week in my reality because I am not currently looking to fall in love. I was very happy that I fell in love with the Marine, that was a beautiful and incredible powerful relationship for me that really shifted my mindset about what was possible for me when it comes to love and being loved and being taken care of and being lovable. But right now what I am focused on is fun and connecting with people with men and pleasure and sex.

And so it turns out that I need like a handful of different guys in my life. And partially that is because of scheduling not everyone is available When I'm available. And I don't like that. So I also like, I like what this is evolving into, which is I'm a woman who has lovers. And God, it sounds so sexy to me to be a woman who has lovers. It's like as sexy as sexual becoming, I love that phrase you used. I guess what's happening for me is I'm doing what used to be called dating and now with some more clarity or more desire to use fancy words, I don't know what I'm doing.

Kind of is solo polyamory. I mean, it sounds so gross. It sounds so Comic Con. I really can't, I really can't with the language, but I'm getting more used to it and I think with a sprinkling of ethical non monogamy, right? So I'm not monogamous, I have a number of lovers. I feel like Cartman from South Park. I'm like, I do what I want, like that's, that's how I feel. I want to feel that way. I loved being in a relationship, but I also love this where I am in charge of how I spend my time and who I spend it with. And you know, my very precious, hard earned babysitter and custody agreement enabled free time, right? So I think the difference for me between what we used to call dating and now what we might call what I'm doing solely solo polyamory, God, just does not trip off the tongue easily, is lying, right? So with dating there's this sort of implicit like you don't really talk about what you're doing. You're just sort of out there dating and you could be dating multiple people. You could be dating one person, you're not obligated to tell anyone anything.

And there's this assumption that feelings are going to get hurt if you are straight about what you're up to. I'm not into that, it doesn't interest me. I'm not interested in lying, I'm interested in transparency and honesty. Now I'm not in love with any of these guys, right? I'm interested in them as people. I like them, I enjoy spending time with them, we talk. We are human beings and three dimensional together. So if I were to fall in love with someone, like I think the, I think the solo polyamory will go out the window like it did with the Marine probably. But for the time being, this is fun and I'm having fun.

And with your sexual becoming, there is a lot you can do on your own. And I think people under-prioritize masturbation, playing with toys, listening to audio erotica. Oh my God, it's like the greatest. This, like all these apps where there's audio stories, I definitely recommend googling audio erotica. There's obviously porn and whatever your comfort level is with that. There are spicy novels, there's so much dirty fiction out there, this is an entire movement. So your sexual becoming can also be in relationship with yourself. And I think that is such an underestimated part of, of us getting to know our turn ons, right. This doesn't have to necessarily be a partnered experience and it can also be enabled by apps and we've talked a lot about sexting apps and those types of things on this podcast. But the more you are in touch with your pleasure, especially if this was a thing that was missing from your life, if you were married, if you were out of touch with your pleasure, one of the most empowering things you can do is get to know what you want and then make some room in your life for playtime.

Think of it as your hobby, you know, people have all kinds of hobbies. People play mahjong, women our age used to play mahjong. You know, people go to yoga, people, they quilt. I don't know why I keep thinking of these old fashioned things. But you know, I mean, you go salsa dancing, do whatever, people have hobbies. I think it's really hard for women whose lives are so over prescribed to make room for even a hobby. But if there's one that's going to really pay off in dividends, it is your sexual becoming. And Julie, I would love to hear from you how you end up balancing this.

If you have time during the day, fantastic. My God, that's like free and clear time where you're not worried about being interrupted or your privacy being invaded. If you have time during the day, God bless, that is amazing. We all are now working from home and doing work and our lives and our schedules in a new way. And I'm sure you can find partners who, that's when they're available. Of course you're going to prioritize being a mother. Of course you're going to prioritize your children. That goes without saying, but you can also prioritize how you spend your free time. And maybe you quit the book club, maybe you quit the book club for this hobby. Julie, I want to hear from you how it all goes. Please reach back out.

Thanks for listening to Hotter than Ever advice. How can you ask a question? I'm so glad you asked. DM us @hotterthaneverpod on Instagram or leave me a voicemail or text the Hotter Than Ever hottie hotline at 323-844-2303. I'd love to answer your question in a future episode.

Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Gerard and Podkit Productions. Our associate producer is Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating with vocals by Issa Fernandez. This has been Hotter Than Ever advice.