Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever Advice. I'm your host, Erin Keating, and in these short weekly episodes I give you my opinionated and not at all qualified feedback about the questions, problems, quandaries and dilemmas that you have posed to me about love, sex, relationships, career, aging, ambition, marriage, divorce, parenting, and anything else that is on your mind.
Today's question is from Ready But Not Able:
"Thank you so much for everything. You are my idol and a great inspiration..."
Erin: Okay, I'll take it, but I don't think I should be anybody's idol.
"I'm still married, but I was 100% sure getting a divorce last year. But we live overseas and it ended up being logistically too complicated to figure out a way forward. I do think I'm done with my marriage and now it just feels like such a mess. I also had zero libido for years and have been frustrated and angry to feel sexual with my husband. So we have sex like every two years. However, I started hormone therapy and my libido came back with a vengeance and now I am officially boy crazy at 48..."
Erin: God bless. I am boy crazy at 52.
"I feel like I'm ready to start dating, but I can't really do it. But it is nice to flirt and feel attractive again and research some future options. Of course my biggest crush is completely inappropriate. He's a good deal younger than me and definitely not available. But the dopamine hit when we text, which we haven't done very much, is so huge and I'm addicted after being horribly depressed last fall. I'm also flirting a lot online and have invested in a vibrator..."
Erin: Lol. Good for you. You know me, that would always be my first piece of advice.
"One question I have is are you allowed to date when you are separated? What about sex? Signed Ready But Not Able."
Erin: Oh Ready But Not Able, you are in one of those yucky in between stages of life where you are still in a thing that you wanted a long time ago and now you no longer want it. But it is not over yet. I don't know why you can't get divorced. I do understand sometimes when there are logistical things around visas and work permits and all that kind of stuff. I don't know anything about international marriages, but I do know that just because you are officially married on paper, that does not mean that you cannot choose to live your life however you choose to.
So if you can't actually get divorced, you don't have to, you can agree to do your marriage any way you choose. It sounds to me, like, the marriage is over in spirit. And I'm so sorry about that. That is a big deal when you've chosen to commit to someone for life and then you realize, not only do I not want to have sex with this person because I'm so angry that we can only kind of get it together once every couple of years, that is not an intimate life make. But you're done with the relationship. Have you mourned that? Have you come to terms with that? Are you at peace with that? And are you in a conversation with your husband about that? Because that seems to be the thing you really need to do, because you need to ask for what you want.
And even if you cannot officially do anything about the marriage contract, you can ask to have your needs met and you can say, look, I'm willing to stay married for the sake of these logistical reasons, but this relationship isn't working, we both know that it's over. Or I know that it's over and I need to behave on a going forward basis like, we are done. So are you willing to have that conversation with your husband and live in the consequences of that conversation? Do you want to ask for a separation? Do you want to live separately but stay married? Do you want to live together but evolve into more of a roommate relationship? Can you agree to get divorced when it's logistically possible and behave as though you are divorced in the meantime?
I don't know the details of your situation, but I do know that it seems to me like more communication is needed. And you can do and have and be whatever you want. You just have to be willing to say it. And if you want to date, you can make an agreement with your husband that you can date. And if your husband doesn't want that, then you will have to figure that out.
You may have to take a more radical step in order to have more freedom, but you do not officially have to get divorced. You know, people do all kinds of things within their marriages when they are still officially in the eyes of the law and the eyes of the IRS, still married. But people go out and date other people. People open up their marriages, people have sex with other people, people cheat. That's not illegal. You know, people have threesomes, they do swinging, they do all kinds of activities that are not illegal, they are not punishable by law just because you are officially married. So my advice to you is have an open conversation with your husband and enjoy flirting. Enjoy the dopamine hit of thinking about this younger man and fantasizing about this younger man and you have a vibrator, you can use your imagination and still get off.
You have choices in how you conceive your life. As far as the younger man, they are so cute, aren't they? And I will just say if he's not available, he's not available. So use him as fantasy fodder and use him as a catalyst. You wouldn't be the first person to get super crushed out on someone who's not your husband and feel those feelings for the first time in a really long time. And let those feelings, the fact that you still have them, the fact that you're still capable of getting butterflies over someone and getting giddy over someone, let those feelings and your capacity to feel them be the indicator that you need to move on. Moving on can look however you need it to look.
There are tons of people who stay married for health insurance. If you're going to stay married for visa reasons or whatever your logistics are, that's between you and your husband. And you can live your life how you need to live it. But you've got to be willing to say what you need. I want that for you. I want that for you Ready But Not Able. And it is available to you if you are willing to sit through the discomfort of working it out. Oh God, I can't wait to see you on the other side. You're going to be a wild child. I can feel it. You're gonna have so much fun. Your hormones are already going crazy, you're already flirting and thinking about dating, you're already crushing on someone. Oh my God, girl, the world is not ready for you. All right. I wish you all the joy and all the pleasure and all the courage that it's gonna take to have these conversations.
Thanks for listening to Hotter Than Ever. How can you ask a question? I'm so glad you didn't. I made up that part. But play along DMs @hotterthaneverpod on Instagram or leave me a voicemail or text the Hotter Than Ever hottie hotline at 323-844-2303. I would love nothing more than to answer your question in a future episode.
Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Gerard and Podkit Productions. Our associate producer is Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating with vocals by Issa Fernandez. This has been Hotter Than Ever Advice.
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