Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever, where we uncover the unconscious rules we've been following. We break those rules and we find a new path to being freer, happier, sexier, and more self expressed. I'm your host, Erin Keating.
Today I want to talk about flirting. Flirting is something I have really been enjoying lately. And I never used to do it. I never did it as a single person or as a married person. And in fact, I don't think I really even understood what flirting was.
It's not goal oriented. It's a state of being, it's a state of behavior. It's a state of existing. Out in the world is as a flirt or as someone who is flirtatious. When I was married, my ex used to tell me that people were flirting with me and I was like, what? What do they want? What do they hope to gain from that? Now I paint a portrait of myself that's a little bit more dense and uptight than I actually am and have been. But in this area, I have really historically been clueless and now I am flirting all the time. It's like I'm a taxicab with my light on. And the people who are looking for a taxicab notice me, right? And so if you are walking around with this energy or this availability or this presence of flirtation, people are going to notice you.
If they are the kind of person who is aware of flirtation or female mojo or sexuality that is lit up around them, it's the craziest thing in the world. When I was first separated and I was starting to feel myself, I remember walking through the mall and feeling good in my skin. I think I had just started having sun sex again and I was kind of feeling myself was summertime and I was probably wearing a short skirt and I was noticing the people who were noticing me. And that was for the first time in my life, I noticed myself being noticed by men of all kinds. Everyone from granddads to young dudes who are out with their friends, people of all races.
It is really incredible to see that you are being seen because you are putting something different out there into the world. I remember when I was first single, I went to the DMV to get my license renewed and I got hit on by a guy in the line at the DMV because my energy was so bright and I was so sort of present and alive. And he was the kind of guy who was looking for women like that who were lit up.
So he shot his shot. Now, I didn't say yes but how fucking flattering is that to be a woman in her 50s? This time in our life, when everyone tells us we're invisible, which we are not, and to have men for the first time, to my awareness, I'm on their radar. I'm on their radar. And once I started to see it, I couldn't unsee it, and I started to kind of take it into my own hands. And so my favorite place to flirt is Trader Joe's. First of all, I'm always checking out the guys in the aisles, and I love watching couples shop together and seeing what their dynamic is. But the best guys at the Trader Joe's are the checkout guys because they are happy to be working.
They probably have health insurance. And they are told that they need to be friendly as part of their job. And so I'll tell you two stories. I was checking out the other day, and there was a cute guy at the checkout who was also being helped by another guy who was a little older. And honestly, I just started shooting the shit with them, and they were making jokes and they were trying to make me laugh, and we were having such a good time. And this is the privilege of age. When I left, I said to them, you are both so adorable. I mean, what kind of person does that? That compliments the cute checkout guys at Trader Joe's? And really, it is because I enjoy a little sparky dynamic and a little repartee and a little back and forth.
It makes me feel alive, and I don't give a fuck. I am not looking for outcomes in these flirtations. I am just looking to have fun and be playful and practice that energy out there in the world. Another day at Trader Joe's, I was checking out with this guy who was in his. He was probably 25. He had this blonde curly hair. He was freaking adorable. And he said to me, what do you do? And I said, I make media for women over 40.
And his eyes lit up, and he said, oh, that's so interesting. What is the deal with older women and younger men? And I said, why do you like older women? And we got into this conversation about this Russian lady who is always hitting on him, but she has a wedding ring, but they've gotten to the point where she has asked him when he's available off of work. And nothing has been spoken out loud about what the context is that she's asking for and he's a little clueless. And I, like, coached him how to talk to her the next time she comes in, just to have a direct conversation.
I mean, the adorableness of opening the door to conversations with strangers and talking in an open and flirtatious way to all of these people, it is so enriching in my life. And you might be thinking, oh my God, Erin, that takes so much energy. I'm just trying to get my groceries. And of course there are times when I'm just trying to get my groceries and I look like shit and I'm exhausted and I'm just trying to get through this next task. But what I've really been trying to do is make the most of all my human interactions. And whether that's making friends with the woman at the, at the car repair place and learning that she's a single mom and, you know, how her life has gone, or telling the dermatologist a story about my latest date or whatever it is. I spend so much of my life hiding my light under a bushel.
It's like one of my favorite old timey expressions, 'Don't hide your light under a bushel.' I don't know where it comes from, but I really resonate with it because I'm an old timey milkmaid. I don't know. I resonate with it because I did hide my light, I did dim my light. And I dimmed my light in my professional life because I was scared. And I dimmed my light in my personal life because I was having such a hard time navigating the relationship of my marriage. And it really turned the wattage down on my shine and my sparkle and my potential for positive impact in this world and I don't want to do that anymore.
You know, when the guy who is taking my ticket to leave the parking lot is charming and delightful and looks me right in the eye and he's like, how you doing, ma'am? You know, I said to him, you just stand here and charm people all day long, that's what you do. Like game, recognized game, right? And he was very happy to be noticed for being charming. People are happy to be noticed. People are happy to be engaged with. Men are happy when a pretty woman pays attention to them. And you are a pretty woman because every woman is fucking beautiful.
Here's what flirting is. Flirting is talking to strangers, starting conversations, making comments or observations or jokes, having a light bright energy, having no expectation of outcome. So you gotta be willing to like throw it out there and not get any response or get a response of like, okay, weird lady. That's where being older comes in really handy because who cares? I just don't care. You don't think I'm fun? I think I'm fun. So, okay, there is no real risk and there is no real cost to flirting. I do it because I feel good and I want to connect with people in the world. But it also works the other way.
I feel good because I do it. And it becomes a virtuous cycle where I'm just making these little connections left and right everywhere I go. Now, if you're an introvert, this is harder, right? I am not an introvert. I do have to preserve my energy in some ways, but I get energy from social interactions and everyone is somewhere different on the scale. But everyone has flirtation in them, and everyone deserves to let their sparkle show in whatever way they can figure out how to. You don't have to hide, you don't have to dim your light, you don't have to be the brightest bulb in the chandelier either, you know, or the person in the pink glitter pantsuit.
But there's a wide range of possible ways to be in the world between being quiet and don't look at me and, you know, being the disco ball who's just sparkling everywhere all the time. There's a huge range. And maybe it would be fun to give yourself permission to expand that range, to give yourself permission to make more eye contact, to make more little comments, to acknowledge people who you maybe haven't acknowledged in the past. I'm not saying it's women's job to smile, to flatter, to do all the things that society tells us to do. I'm just saying it's fun to have fun. And we're not invisible. Invisibility is probably the second most sought after superpower after flying. Right? People want to be invisible so that they can do all kinds of things under the cloak of invisibility.
If we are invisible, that means we are free to do whatever the fuck we want. We are free to make mischief. We are free to break rules if nobody's watching, if nobody cares, which is what the cultural mythology says about women. And as we age, how much freedom is there in that? Let's just go ahead and do all the things we want to do because ostensibly, nobody's watching. But of course they're watching, and we're watching each other and we're cheering each other on and we're encouraging each other. I want to see your sparkle. I want to see you let it shine out there in the world. Try flirting, see what it feels like.
Thanks for listening to Hotter Than Ever. Please reach out to us with questions I will personally answer on the air in our weekly Advice episodes. Did this conversation spark some questions you have about your own romantic life? Do you want help with a specific relationship question or want advice on how Stella can get her groove back? I have been there and I am here to give you my very biased and totally unqualified feedback. So just DM me on Instagram @hotterthaneverpod or call and leave a voicemail or text your question to the Hotter Than Ever Hottie Hotline at 323-844-2303. I would love to answer your question in a future episode.
Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Gerard of podkit Productions. Our associate producer is Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating with vocals by Issa Fernandez.
Oh, and also check out our substack newsletter@hotothenever.substack.com what is a Substack? Substack is a platform where a lot of people have newsletters and what's in my substack. It's hotter than ever content. So I talk about the interviews and the episodes that I've done. I add additional links and context for you to check out. For the people that I've been talking to and the ideas that I'm engaging with, it is very spark enhancing my substack. And that is where I offer my thought leadership. Just kidding.
I hate the phrase thought leadership. Erin, are you going to be a thought leader in midlife space? I mean, I don't think you need me to lead your thoughts. I maybe have some ideas to share with you. You I'd like to inspire you. I'd like to make some stuff that makes you think and feel better and more alive and like there's more possibility for pleasure and joy and happiness and agency and living the life that you want to live. But thought leadership I think is taking it a little too far. You're doing just fine.
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