Erin: Welcome to Hotter Than Ever, where we uncover the unconscious rules we've been following. We break those rules and we find a new path to being freer, happier, sexier, and more self expressed. I'm your host, Erin Keating.
Today, I want to talk about New Year's resolutions. Ew. Ew! I hate New Year's resolutions because we all know they're bullshit, right? I mean, every year a new study comes out that says, like, nobody followed their resolutions. Gyms made a lot of money because people signed up because they felt like they should and now the gyms are making money and you're still not working out. Right?
Like, we like the idea of New Year's resolutions. We like the idea of [00:01:00] declaring, okay, this is the day. This is the time I'm going to change. It feels like a fresh start. It feels like a clean slate. You know, this time is going to be different. We celebrate New Year's one day every year, but comedian Pete Holmes talks about how foolish that is. He says. You know, every day of the year happens once a year. Like why aren't we celebrating February 24th or August 12th?
Like we just designated this one day and no, you can't celebrate a new year on any other day. He has a very cosmic macro kind of point of view, and I really appreciate it. However, there is something extremely satisfying about the clock turning over from one year to the next, from December to January, and you can't help but think next year, which is now this year, I'm going to do things [00:02:00] differently. And today is a continuation of yesterday. It is not a clean break.
You are the sum of all of the things that you have ever done and seen and experienced and all of the people you have ever loved and ever met and ever known. Everyone has contributed to you. Everything has contributed to you. So just because the clock struck 12. On midnight of December 31st doesn't mean everything's suddenly going to be different. However, let's take this for the opportunity that it is for the clean start that it could potentially be to jumpstart the clarity that you might not have at another point in the year. Right? What I always seek at the top of the year is this moment of quiet where I can think about what it is.
That I really want in the year coming up, [00:03:00] what I really want to experience, how I really want to grow, how I want to change. And there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to change. I've been changing like a maniac over the last several years, and I'm proud of the progress that I've made, but I do want some kind of vision. I've been seeking a vision for what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, I've cleared so many things out of the way I've started acting so different. I've really taken ownership over my life in a way that I haven't had a hold of it since I got married at, you know, almost 35 years old.
So I feel like I want to take advantage of the autonomy that I have, the independence that I have, and the excitement that I have for the [00:04:00] future. I hope you're feeling that too. I hope you're feeling some excitement for the future. Some sense that you're smarter, you're more evolved, you know yourself better. You're clearer about the bullshit that you'll. Accept and what is a non starter you feel more confident about who you are and what you're capable of you have a track record in a lot of different areas of your life.
I hope you're willing to take a look at those things and give yourself some credit for. Who you actually are today as a result of all the incremental decisions you've made up until this moment. I've been thinking a lot about what I want in 2024 and I want to know, does any of this resonate with you? I think the thing I need most in 2024 is faith and I'm not talking about religion. An underlying faith that all my good [00:05:00] is on its way to me right now, that everything that is going to show up in my life is on its way.
That I will have the next big chapter in my professional life, that I will grow this great love that I have in my life, that I will become a better parent, that I will figure out money, that I will figure out how to have a more harmonious relationship with my ex, all of these things I want to go through this year optimistic, with an unshakable faith that even though things can be muddy and scary and messy, the things will get clearer and make sense in time.
Because on some essential level, I really do have faith in, in that. I really do believe that things are just going to work out.
Do you believe that? Or do you come with a different kind of [00:06:00] mindset? Is it conditional or is it negative? Do you want to have faith? Do you even believe faith is possible or is that just sort of religion talk and doesn't mean anything to you? I felt that way for forever. I felt, what are people talking about when they talk about faith or trusting God or turning things over to God? I'm not religious, but I like the idea that there's some aspect of the universe. And my ability to take action on my own behalf, collude with each other in order to give me the beautiful life that I have.
So I want to have faith. I want to have a vision for my professional future. I have been gathering data for this past year about. What I'm lit up by, what I like, what I don't, who I admire, where I think I fit, where I think I don't, I want to keep gathering information [00:07:00] and looking for patterns and people that spark something in me that could be like a breadcrumb that I could follow, a little Hansel and Gretel breadcrumb that I can follow in order to lead myself out of the woods.
I think this year has given me so much information, but I've also had so much to resolve for my past. And in 2024, I'm walking into this new year fully divorced in a new relationship with a podcast. Like all these things were not things that I had last year. These were things that I initiated or that I resolved. You know, now I feel more clear headed, um, where I can really focus on how to build the next chapter of my life. And so out of that, I want to find clear goals. I don't have them at the top of the year, this year, [00:08:00] I don't have clarity. I don't have a clear path to making more money, although I am really clear that money is important to me and that I need to earn more of it in 2024.
Can you relate to that? Are you willing to say out loud that you care about money and that it's important to you to earn it or to get it or to have it? I think so many of us are scared to admit that we want it, that it's important to us and that having our own money. And making our own money feels like freedom a lot of the time. So I want more cold, hard cash. Thank you very much. I want a path to making more cold, hard cash. I want clarity around that.
I want more love and connection. I want more friendship and more community. You know, I left New York almost 11 years ago to build a new life for myself and my family in Los Angeles.
I felt that New York [00:09:00] had expired. And when I left about a year into my life in LA, I realized that the one thing that I treated really cavalierly and that I really missed, and that was pretty irreplaceable was my community of friends. The people who were in my life, who had known me for a long time, who I had known and loved, who had children my children's age, they were my people. That was my group.
And I always had several different groups that I felt close to. And I struck out on my own and it was the right thing to do to move across the country. Wow, I really suffered the loss and I still suffer the loss of all those friendships and I've tried to keep them alive and it's, uh, it's not really that easy if you're not in the same place. Post pandemic, post corporate life, post divorce, I feel more isolated. I feel like I'm looking for the [00:10:00] places where I might make more friends, where I might feel camaraderie, where I'm, where I might belong. And I try joining groups and I try becoming a member of things and places and it doesn't generally work for me.
And it takes a lot of effort, but I want more of that this year. I had my best friend from college and her son, who is now 19, come and stay with me for two over the holidays. And it was really, really great. I always had a dream that my house would be a place where people would always be staying with me and there would be people around coming and going and I, I am trying really hard to make my house and my home that for my kids and their peers.
And now that this home is fully my home and I get to welcome whoever I want here, I want. To have more life going on under my roof. And I want [00:11:00] my kids to have to engage with different types of people. So maybe that means I have to throw some parties and I have to make more effort in my social life. A great one on one, but I also really like to feel surrounded by like minded, inspiring folks.
And I have to do that. I have to pursue that love and connection and friendship and community. Another thing I want for this year is better boundaries. You know, it ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I'm doing great. Sometimes I am clear and direct with my ex about, you know, this is when I feel comfortable with you in the house.
This is when I don't, but things can get wiggly and shift over time. And then I have to be willing to say uncomfortable things and set. Clear boundaries to protect myself and to have my own back what I have to [00:12:00] relearn post marriage is What it means to have my own back and the divorce is me having my own back I don't know if you can relate to that any of you who are divorced where you choose yourself and your own needs Over the unit the Union the vows you made the fears you have about how it's gonna affect your kids But I can't model the kind of person that I want to teach my children to be if I don't have my own back.
And so that's where boundaries come in. They're fucking hard and I don't like them and I don't like having to be hard and I like being easy to get along with. But if I don't protect myself, if you don't protect yourself, no one will. Your parents are not coming. Not if you're over 40, they're probably not coming.
Another thing I really want in 2024 is deeper intimacy, [00:13:00] and I want to be more honest and self expressed in relationship. I want to continue to cultivate a willingness to do things differently, to be more open to feedback and growth. I hate getting feedback about my behavior, my personality, how what I've done and said has affected other people, especially if I've hurt them.
Oh, it's unbearable. It's so awful. But I keep doubling down on this idea that I have a lot of growing to do. And then I want to do relationship differently this time. You know, the pendulum swings between feeling like I can keep this awesome boyfriend that I have and he's amazing and things are going to continue to work and be great.
And then I think like. Oh God, I'm, I'm going to say this thing and it's going to fuck everything up. But the fact is, I keep doubling down and showing up honestly and so does he. [00:14:00] And it's hard and it's terrifying and it's really good for both of us. No one knows where this is going to go, right? We feel really good when we're together, and we're both trying to do things differently, and for now, I'm committed to that.
I'm committed to trying to show up, be self expressed, pursue closeness, not run away from it, not make up stories in my head, be direct. Say what needs to be said and listen, you know along the lines of intimacy Which I think of as more emotional than physical thing. I do want to do more sexual exploration I'm still making up for 10 years of no sex in my marriage and Now, I do sex and relationship in the best way possible where I, I try to talk about what I want and ask for what I need and share openly, but I have blocks in that [00:15:00] area.
I'm scared of being judged. I am afraid of being too much. I need to show up for myself there as well. And I need to be open and direct and talk about what I want to explore. I want to keep exploring and I explore with my boyfriend and also on my own. And that's awesome too. I have permission to do that in 2024 as well.
Understanding my body and what makes me feel good is important to me. One thing I'm really committed to doing, and maybe you'll do this with me, and this is something we can revisit throughout the year, is I'm committed to seeking the spark. I'm committed to deepening my understanding of what lights me up, what turns me on.
I know funny people make me so happy and light me up. I know when something Hmm. Makes me laugh. I'm [00:16:00] happier than I normally would be. I know when I'm in conversation with someone who is a rule breaker or who is unconventional and a risk taker, I feel like, Oh, I have something to learn here. I love experts. I love expertise.
And there are themes that I pursue again and again in the media that I consume and the podcast that I listened to and the books that I read. But I'm so curious about why these are the themes that light me up the most, but I want to keep chasing those insights and And see what I can build from those insights.
So maybe together we can continue to check in on that spark. When you call in, when you reach out, tell me what's been lighting you up. I want to keep taking risks. I want to keep going places and doing things that feel compelling but [00:17:00] uncomfortable. I am very committed to not letting discomfort be in charge of my life.
So maybe that's something you can take on too. Are there things that you would do if they weren't uncomfortable? Are there things that you would do or places that you would go or experiences that you would pursue if you weren't afraid of them feeling weird or awkward? There's so much more in life on the other side of discomfort.
There's so much more in life, if you don't scare yourself off from doing things that are new and different, and maybe not the things your friends would do, or that your parents would like seeing you do, or that your community values. But maybe there are things that you're curious about that could be a clue to some future fulfillment for you to taking the things that light your fire more [00:18:00] seriously this year, let's take those sparks and that inspiration.
Let's make a little burning fire out of them because if we continue to attend to that fire, we can have a raging bonfire. That everybody can sit around and sing and make s'mores and feel like they're in community around this notion of what lights you up, the brighter your light can shine in this life, the more lit from within you are, the more joy and passion you experience that's going to attract new people and new things into your life that you never thought possible because you keep tending to your own fire.
Ooh, I love that. I love that. That feels so good. That feels super hotter than ever. I want to keep learning through experiences. I want to learn more about other people. I want to learn more about myself, about the world. I want to try new things and [00:19:00] explore and not always know why I am compelled by something, but allow myself to explore.
And maybe you'll do this to, to honor that feeling of that magnetism, that you're drawn to something, that, that something is pulling you towards it. You don't always have to know why something lights a spark in you. Don't ignore that. Don't ignore that spark. Because that is inspiration, and that is joy, and that is excitement, and that is fire.
There was a phrase that they used all the time when I worked at Snapchat and it was like part of your annual corporate performance review and I always scored really high on this-- they always talked about thriving in ambiguity and being able to continue to make progress even though some things around you felt real blurry, real messy, like you're swimming through mud, but you [00:20:00] were still able to take action and you were still able to tease out where you could make an impact.
Even when the waves are making the boat rock, even when the ground under you feels like quicksand sometimes making meaningful progress as things continue to evolve and change around you, as things continue to evolve and change around me. Because change is the only constant, it is literally the only constant in life. Life is ambiguous. Can we figure out how to thrive inside of that ambiguity and still pursue the things that light us up?
That is my goal. Those are my goals for 2024. They are not quantifiable as they could be, but the good news is there's not going to be a quiz and there will be no management consultants coming in to tell me whether I did this [00:21:00] right or not, or whether I met my OKRs, what does it stand for? I could never remember. Objectives and Key Results. I really resist the MBA language as much as I have found myself in the world of business, but I don't like the Gantt charts and the fucking OKRs, but you could take something from anything, right? Every metaphor can be applicable. So no one's going to quiz me or you or measure you against these, these aspirations for the coming year, but I encourage you to do some reflection.
It is a good time of year for that. And if you don't feel like it, don't, if you don't feel like it, or you feel like you have your goals and you're just going to keep working towards them, you have your areas of growth. Fuck this podcast. Fuck my advice. You do what you want. But if this is valuable for you, fantastic, [00:22:00] fantastic. I think it's going to be an incredible year. I really do. I have faith.
Thanks for listening to Hotter Than Ever. Have you noticed that we are now doing short advice episodes every week on top of our regular episodes? I am so into this and I hope that you will be too. I literally have an opinion about everything. I don't know if that's useful in any other context, but I'm going to put it to good use here. Do you have something you'd like a very biased opinion about? Are there issues around love and sex, relationships, career, ambition, aging, divorce, motherhood, friendship, community, faith? Gosh, I'd love to talk to you about all these things.
I'd love to hear what's on your mind and on your heart. And I would like to give you my unvarnished, but hopefully thoughtful take on whatever it is you want advice about. So [00:23:00] DM us on Instagram @hotterthanever pod or call and leave a voicemail or text your question to 323 844 2303. That's the Hotter Than Ever hottie hotline at 323 844 2303.
I would love to answer your question in a future episode.
Hotter Than Ever is produced by Erica Girard and PodKit Productions. Our associate producer is Melody Carey. Music is by Chris Keating, with vocals by Isa Fernandez.
Come back next week for more juicy, deep, non trivial stuff. Isn't that what we need more of in this trivial TikTok short form attention grabbing world? Non trivial Meaningful, juicy, heartfelt, and sometimes a little sarcastic stuff. I'll talk to you soon.